As the child see the light of day, covered in after birth and that first yelling lung clearing performance, the medical staff look to one place only. Perverts ... it's a BOY! Oh really? Just how would you figure that doctor? Not being able to see and most definitely not able to understand or recognise the fact that the brain gender and the psychical (genital) body gender may not be a perfect match, the poor child is labelled and set up for a life of living hell. I was such a child. And before you want to suggest that the "Creator" do not make mistakes I will let you know that being mismatched most definitely DO NOT make me a mistake to begin with. Different yes, abnormal NO! Human kind (and I need to be cautious using the word "kind" as I find more unkind amongst humans then I do kind) has this preset thing about gender. There are two distinct genders, male and female. Nature opted to have it that way so as to ensure the ongoing existence to man but nature did make one mistake. Giving man the ability to think and do, be emotional and being able to fear and hate. Complex as a human is, the sum of total that makes up an individual is a scientific harmony of life. Should any vital part of that human fail, death is eminent. Nature has it's variances and there is nothing in nature that is perfect. No human, no animal, no plant nothing is absolutely perfect anyway. Perfect and healthy is self invented yard measures man started to use to compare and match what is acceptable. Just like normal has no reference to anything other then many of the same. In my case, nature got it off the normal scale and from day one my instinctive female brain got flooded with male hormones called testosterone. Like any other human I am here to survive. Part of my survival package, besides having to breath, would be to live as long as I possibly can. In order to do this, I would have to blend in to a family and with an empty brain that bare no memories of life or understanding of anything other then that basic survival instinct, I had to match my instinctive options and choice with the approval of my parents. My instinct said I am female, long before I even realised or understood the different genital configuration was at that point (and still is today) the clear indicator of baby being dressed in blue or pink. I got blue without being asked and my heart and instinct cried for PINK instead ........

Where it all went wrong What a confusing chick LOL. Reading this space and thinking that way makes sense as from a stranger’s point of view who will know what I am talking about. Nature has a way of making things. Regardless of what we think and wish and was taught to believe. In my mind it has never been about why and who made me this way rather HOW I came to be made, created this way.  Understanding the concept of human creation goes beyond the kiddies fairytale of the birds and the bees or the stork carrying you in his napkin. BTW, why is it always the male form that create things? It is usually the male form that break and destroy  things. Anyway, lets leave that for another day, shall we? Back to the business of creation and more specific MY creation. So the process of human creation has a few ingredients that formulate and concoct the limits of science when the female and male bring their reproductive organs together. It all appears to begin with a fetus but I have the tendency to believe it begins with an urge of lust or natural sexual instinct. A profound chemistry that happens between the two basic human genders, male and female. Be that as it may, in the end there is a fetus or rather in the beginning, of the process.  Now, I am not a medical expert professor or doctor and have no intention to bore you with a medical lesson on my creation, in womb development and subsequent birth. But if you want to really understand what I am all about, it is very important that you grasp this that I am about to reveal. Like the basics of mathematics THIS is where you get to understand me or loose that ability forever. Now to make it easy, I will use the short and sweet “making a human for dummy’s” version starting from the fetus. The cells that connect and join and begin to form a human. I guess in any process we use a project plan, a beginning a middle and an end. Thanks to the very process of our creation, we as humans tackle any project with the same set of logical steps. Like you don’t build a roof for a building before you have a foundation, walls, etc, humans don’t just happen from zero. The point I am trying to make is that the brain is developed to a point before the body is instructed to develop the gender identity genitals and here is where things get interesting. What if, the fetus gets a female brain, wired with the instinct of a female and the body turns all male? Many or most people refuse to accept it as a “mistake” by the creator but then again they don’t have this condition, this design feature, this mismatch, so just how could they begin to imagine it all. Answering this question where the mental “brain” body is total female while the psychical body (genitals) are male will give you the first step to understanding my dilemma. This is getting too long, so next time I will take it further ………… TSW     

 

When I look back to those years, 1950’s – 60’s in comparison to the last 15 years or so, then I do have a lot of reason to be very angry at why things had to be the way it was back then.  
The strange thing is that I actually have a choice, once I have chosen to be angry, that is, at which angle of angry I side on. I could be angry for being born back then, during an era when the most modern form on communication was not even a radio but a wireless would you believe. Suffice to say that “unwanted” knowledge was censored by the powers to be, making intelligent levels pretty limited to what people were allowed to know.  I could be angry for having this birth “defect”, lash out at the world and myself for not getting it right in the first place. It would be a waste of energy, it would serve no purpose and most definitely it would not change anything for the better.
I came this far in the wrong roll and even if there is one day left of my life, it would not be too late to let go the roll I could never be and assume the roll I was born to be, psychical mismatch and all. If nothing else I owe it to myself to at least die happy.
OK, so this does not mean I have plans to die any time soon, but in a figure of speech, a metaphor, a way of expression, I am trying to indicate just how important correcting what has been wrong since birth with me, means to me. Now that I have been empowered with information and knowledge, NOW I can take control of my life.
Easy? No, I don’t think it has been easy and I don’t think tomorrow or the next day, week, month, year, will be easy but it sure as hell will be BETTER for me.  I am I said. Indeed, I am not what they said but who I say I am.
  

Oh my, silly of me to just blog along here when you have no idea who in the name of sweet apples I am.

Oh you may not care but then again, you may. You may feel the need to contact me, to get to know me, even if it is just to not want to like me.

I am a woman with a different start to the sweets of life. From a choice of many ( I mean I was not the only infant born on that very day of September 27, 1956, I mean come on what were the chances? ), I had to be selected to not be put together, in the normal sort of way. No, as luck would have it, I got the perfect female brain and female brain wiring and before you think so what, wait for the punch line OK.

When the signal, chromosome, genetic, gene, what ever it may be termed, sparked the natural signal to finalise the visible physical gender identity part (genitals) something really bad happened and there I was a female with perfect male genitalia and when the doctor said, "It's a boy", my life of misery began.

Oh self pity? Nope, fat chance, not me, not here, never. Anger? perhaps, not that it would serve any purpose other then to channel energy up or down the wrong tree.

Ok, so this is the first blog entry and as with anything I will have to start at the beginning.

So there was light, first light, there was a tug-of-fresh-air (breathing) Ok so one of the ingredients a human like me would need to survive.

I guess because I was so small, I dont remember much of that first seconds, minutes, hours, days of my life. The more I try and page back in the memory banks, to find that first memory, the more it comes clear to me that we must delete the early part of our being perhaps.

Certain things we KNOW, right from that moment when the safe and warmth of mother's womb is left behind, an instinctive control system kicks in to action. It's prime purpose, SURVIVE, SURVIVE and SURVIVE ...