The first blog : The first blog

VALENTINE'S DAY ...

2008-02-14T21:53:43Z

In all the facade of "lets make some money", comes yet another day that stops everyone in their tracks to dip hand in pocket and spend the sort of money that may have been better spent on more important stuff.

Oh, LOVE is important but then so is having breakfast, lunch and supper. Cant remember a special day put aside for that, well not yet anyway. I don't sound grumpy and left out and thus want to knock this day, this Valentine's Day to pulp because at the end of the day it happens to be LEAP YEAR (February grace us with one extra day this year, 29 instead of 28) Whoopee!!!

In the LIB (well perhaps not in the title, but somewhere in the organisation at least) of Women's Lib it stands proclaimed that on LEAP YEAR Ladies can hunt their hunters rather then being hunted, as during any other year (when February do not have that extra day)

So it stands to reason that here I would have the opportunity to track down and hunt my man for a change. Common sense put paid to that exciting idea when it occurred to me that I do not have a man I would like to hunt down, at least not anyone that had not already been taken that is .........

So once again I have only myself and my company to be with on this red and white, flowers and wine, chocolates and teddy-bears day of days

Valentine's day indeed.

I convince myself that it cant happen every year so mayBE next year, V-day will be special for me too .......

What is worse ??

2008-01-17T21:28:05Z

I am not sure what is worse? The past in which I was the liar or the present where I reveal the truth, only to find people running for cover. Pay back time? I guess so.

Many girls go stealth. Meaning they bury their pasts. Severe all links with people who remember and still see only that person of the past. They then start a new life in a new closet and pray to God that they never get found out.

I am not sure which is worst, hiding the true self in the past and living up to the expectations of others, or hiding the past and it’s false presentation to live up to the true self at the risk of being abandoned with out a second thought.

Perhaps in years to come, many years to come, the stigma that labeled girls like me with the totally incorrect image of a soulless sex toy with freaky features and nothing more but a fetish “please don’t ever tell anyone about our little no strings attached fling”, will yield to the truth of just how much women we are.

I wonder still, I wonder after all this pain, fear and suffering, who is going to want me now?

Short announcement

2008-01-16T20:18:41Z

To all my trusted readers and followers,thanks and please feel free to comment.

I made a major change to my blog so that my newest post will now be listed first ....

Enjoy .....

So why is it ???

2008-01-10T21:29:38Z

So why is it that when a boy wants to play with dolls and wear a dress, he gets a slap and discouraged? My sister was as tomboy as they come. Much to my dispare she was encourage to be "strong" and play with my toys, boy toys.

Could no one see and understand that I could not be this boy? I mean here I was a little bambino with an empty brain, no experience, no knowledge and no real understanding of anything other the this instinctive sense of wanting to survive.

In my understanding, survival has a range of ingredients and one of them has to be HAPPY, surely? So why was I not happy, content and why did I have this instinctive sense of wanting to be like my mother? Oh, I had no reason to fear or hate my father. In my eyes he was the protector, the provider and with him around I felt safe and secure. The problem was seeing myself as a man he had come to be. I had no inclination, no reason, no need and no urge to want to be like him.

If given the free choice of selecting my gender by instinct and not by my genitals, then female would be my choice without on moment of doubt. So while my sister had so much freedom to express herself, I was stuck in this forever feeling of hopelesnes and denied the right to be me.

For why is not to ask, just be what is expected of you ..........

Looks can Fool you

2007-12-21T00:08:00Z

As the child see the light of day, covered in after birth and that first yelling lung clearing performance, the medical staff look to one place only. Perverts ... it's a BOY! Oh really? Just how would you figure that doctor? Not being able to see and most definitely not able to understand or recognise the fact that the brain gender and the psychical (genital) body gender may not be a perfect match, the poor child is labelled and set up for a life of living hell. I was such a child. And before you want to suggest that the "Creator" do not make mistakes I will let you know that being mismatched most definitely DO NOT make me a mistake to begin with. Different yes, abnormal NO! Human kind (and I need to be cautious using the word "kind" as I find more unkind amongst humans then I do kind) has this preset thing about gender. There are two distinct genders, male and female. Nature opted to have it that way so as to ensure the ongoing existence to man but nature did make one mistake. Giving man the ability to think and do, be emotional and being able to fear and hate. Complex as a human is, the sum of total that makes up an individual is a scientific harmony of life. Should any vital part of that human fail, death is eminent. Nature has it's variances and there is nothing in nature that is perfect. No human, no animal, no plant nothing is absolutely perfect anyway. Perfect and healthy is self invented yard measures man started to use to compare and match what is acceptable. Just like normal has no reference to anything other then many of the same. In my case, nature got it off the normal scale and from day one my instinctive female brain got flooded with male hormones called testosterone. Like any other human I am here to survive. Part of my survival package, besides having to breath, would be to live as long as I possibly can. In order to do this, I would have to blend in to a family and with an empty brain that bare no memories of life or understanding of anything other then that basic survival instinct, I had to match my instinctive options and choice with the approval of my parents. My instinct said I am female, long before I even realised or understood the different genital configuration was at that point (and still is today) the clear indicator of baby being dressed in blue or pink. I got blue without being asked and my heart and instinct cried for PINK instead ........

Where it really starts ....

2007-12-14T15:06:25Z

Where it all went wrong�What a confusing chick LOL. Reading this space and thinking that way makes sense as from a stranger�s point of view who will know what I am talking about.�Nature has a way of making things. Regardless of what we think and wish and was taught to believe. In my mind it has never been about why and who made me this way rather HOW I came to be made, created this way. �Understanding the concept of human creation goes beyond the kiddies fairytale of the birds and the bees or the stork carrying you in his napkin. BTW, why is it always the male form that create things? It is usually the male form that break and destroy �things.�Anyway, lets leave that for another day, shall we? Back to the business of creation and more specific MY creation. So the process of human creation has a few ingredients that formulate and concoct the limits of science when the female and male bring their reproductive organs together. It all appears to begin with a fetus but I have the tendency to believe it begins with an urge of lust or natural sexual instinct. A profound chemistry that happens between the two basic human genders, male and female. Be that as it may, in the end there is a fetus or rather in the beginning, of the process. �Now, I am not a medical expert professor or doctor and have no intention to bore you with a medical lesson on my creation, in womb development and subsequent birth. But if you want to really understand what I am all about, it is very important that you grasp this that I am about to reveal. Like the basics of mathematics THIS is where you get to understand me or loose that ability forever.�Now to make it easy, I will use the short and sweet �making a human for dummy�s� version starting from the fetus. The cells that connect and join and begin to form a human. I guess in any process we use a project plan, a beginning a middle and an end. Thanks to the very process of our creation, we as humans tackle any project with the same set of logical steps. Like you don�t build a roof for a building before you have a foundation, walls, etc, humans don�t just happen from zero. The point I am trying to make is that the brain is developed to a point before the body is instructed to develop the gender identity genitals and here is where things get interesting.�What if, the fetus gets a female brain, wired with the instinct of a female and the body turns all male? Many or most people refuse to accept it as a �mistake� by the creator but then again they don�t have this condition, this design feature, this mismatch, so just how could they begin to imagine it all.�Answering this question where the mental �brain� body is total female while the psychical body (genitals) are male will give you the first step to understanding my dilemma.�This is getting too long, so next time I will take it further ��TSW��

�

Being angry or not ...

2007-12-11T12:56:53Z

When I look back to those years, 1950�s � 60�s in comparison to the last 15 years or so, then I do have a lot of reason to be very angry at why things had to be the way it was back then. �

The strange thing is that I actually have a choice, once I have chosen to be angry, that is, at which angle of angry I side on. I could be angry for being born back then, during an era when the most modern form on communication was not even a radio but a wireless would you believe. Suffice to say that �unwanted� knowledge was censored by the powers to be, making intelligent levels pretty limited to what people were allowed to know. �I could be angry for having this birth �defect�, lash out at the world and myself for not getting it right in the first place. It would be a waste of energy, it would serve no purpose and most definitely it would not change anything for the better.

I came this far in the wrong roll and even if there is one day left of my life, it would not be too late to let go the roll I could never be and assume the roll I was born to be, psychical mismatch and all. If nothing else I owe it to myself to at least die happy.

OK, so this does not mean I have plans to die any time soon, but in a figure of speech, a metaphor, a way of expression, I am trying to indicate just how important correcting what has been wrong since birth with me, means to me. Now that I have been empowered with information and knowledge, NOW I can take control of my life.

Easy? No, I don�t think it has been easy and I don�t think tomorrow or the next day, week, month, year, will be easy but it sure as hell will be BETTER for me. �I am I said. Indeed, I am not what they said but who I say I am.

��

Formal Introduction

2007-12-10T23:33:34Z

Oh my, silly of me to just blog along here when you have no idea who in the name of sweet apples I am.

Oh you may not care but then again, you may. You may feel the need to contact me, to get to know me, even if it is just to not want to like me.

I am a woman with a different start to the sweets of life. From a choice of many ( I mean I was not the only infant born on that very day of September 27, 1956, I mean come on what were the chances? ), I had to be selected to not be put together, in the normal sort of way. No, as luck would have it, I got the perfect female brain and female brain wiring and before you think so what, wait for the punch line OK.

When the signal, chromosome, genetic, gene, what ever it may be termed, sparked the natural signal to finalise the visible physical gender identity part (genitals) something really bad happened and there I was a female with perfect male genitalia and when the doctor said, "It's a boy", my life of misery began.

Oh self pity? Nope, fat chance, not me, not here, never. Anger? perhaps, not that it would serve any purpose other then to channel energy up or down the wrong tree.

The beginning

2007-12-10T23:19:40Z

Ok, so this is the first blog entry and as with anything I will have to start at the beginning.

So there was light, first light, there was a tug-of-fresh-air (breathing) Ok so one of the ingredients a human like me would need to survive.

I guess because I was so small, I dont remember much of that first seconds, minutes, hours, days of my life. The more I try and page back in the memory banks, to find that first memory, the more it comes clear to me that we must delete the early part of our being perhaps.

Certain things we KNOW, right from that moment when the safe and warmth of mother's womb is left behind, an instinctive control system kicks in to action. It's prime purpose, SURVIVE, SURVIVE and SURVIVE ...