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Posts sent in: January 2001
When I look back to those years, 1950’s – 60’s in comparison to the last 15 years or so, then I do have a lot of reason to be very angry at why things had to be the way it was back then.
The strange thing is that I actually have a choice, once I have chosen to be angry, that is, at which angle of angry I side on. I could be angry for being born back then, during an era when the most modern form on communication was not even a radio but a wireless would you believe. Suffice to say that “unwanted” knowledge was censored by the powers to be, making intelligent levels pretty limited to what people were allowed to know. I could be angry for having this birth “defect”, lash out at the world and myself for not getting it right in the first place. It would be a waste of energy, it would serve no purpose and most definitely it would not change anything for the better.
I came this far in the wrong roll and even if there is one day left of my life, it would not be too late to let go the roll I could never be and assume the roll I was born to be, psychical mismatch and all. If nothing else I owe it to myself to at least die happy.
OK, so this does not mean I have plans to die any time soon, but in a figure of speech, a metaphor, a way of expression, I am trying to indicate just how important correcting what has been wrong since birth with me, means to me. Now that I have been empowered with information and knowledge, NOW I can take control of my life.
Easy? No, I don’t think it has been easy and I don’t think tomorrow or the next day, week, month, year, will be easy but it sure as hell will be BETTER for me. I am I said. Indeed, I am not what they said but who I say I am.
Oh you may not care but then again, you may. You may feel the need to contact me, to get to know me, even if it is just to not want to like me.
I am a woman with a different start to the sweets of life. From a choice of many ( I mean I was not the only infant born on that very day of September 27, 1956, I mean come on what were the chances? ), I had to be selected to not be put together, in the normal sort of way. No, as luck would have it, I got the perfect female brain and female brain wiring and before you think so what, wait for the punch line OK.
When the signal, chromosome, genetic, gene, what ever it may be termed, sparked the natural signal to finalise the visible physical gender identity part (genitals) something really bad happened and there I was a female with perfect male genitalia and when the doctor said, "It's a boy", my life of misery began.
Oh self pity? Nope, fat chance, not me, not here, never. Anger? perhaps, not that it would serve any purpose other then to channel energy up or down the wrong tree.
So there was light, first light, there was a tug-of-fresh-air (breathing) Ok so one of the ingredients a human like me would need to survive.
I guess because I was so small, I dont remember much of that first seconds, minutes, hours, days of my life. The more I try and page back in the memory banks, to find that first memory, the more it comes clear to me that we must delete the early part of our being perhaps.
Certain things we KNOW, right from that moment when the safe and warmth of mother's womb is left behind, an instinctive control system kicks in to action. It's prime purpose, SURVIVE, SURVIVE and SURVIVE ...
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